The reason I've never done PR is because I like people to like me. As a journalist I've elicited a couple of death threats and the odd angry phone call but nothing like the eye-rolling derision I suspect most publicists suffer silently.

However, overly persistent press officers (in common with films and European hair styles) can actually actually reach a point where they are so bad they're good. Hats off to Cream.

It is their thirteenth smashing season in Ibiza. They have umpteen stupidly huge festivals around the globe. Their flagship, Creamfields UK, is now a weekend festival with a stonkingly expensive line-up of A-list talent. They don't need to clamber into my inbox every three seconds to remind me how great they are. But they do. And while it makes me sigh and roll my eyes  I am developing a warmth towards 'Rosie' for her Biblical persistence (if you're not familiar with the story of Abraham nagging God to spare Sodom & Gomorrah you a) probably had a life as a kid, not Sunday School and b) can read all about it here).

Anyway, I digress. The lovely Rosie, whoever she may be, urgently wants you to know about a poll which reveals what Cream's faithful followers are most looking forward to at the festival. Personally, I find the answers much, much less revealing than the fact Creamfields commissioned a poll. That is so overkill it's brilliant. Anyway, I would hate for their hard work to go to waste so interested parties can read the results here.

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1. Sometimes it's worth getting out of bed at 3AM, throwing on some clothes and heading out to see what happens.

2. Some DJs are worth paying 20 euros for two hours on the dancefloor. Loco Dice is one of them.

3. If you're going to date a DJ, make sure it's Onur Ozer (below). Not only does the Turkish techno star have cheekbones that could cut crystal and insouciant rockstar cool, he also spent the whole night draped uxoriously over his girlfriend. They are clearly, in British tabloid parlance, "loved up."

4. Italians are tiny. Seriously. Pint-sized men in over-compensatory supersized sunnies everywhere, like heavily tattooed Lilliputians.

5. Flip-flops + broken glass = blood on the dancefloor. After dancing for hours in a (small) pool of my own blood at Cocoon last year I wore boots this time. It was some other poor girl stumbling around the club at 6AM with her toes sliced open.

6. Cocoon has embraced "Ibiza time." Either my watch is very fast or the island's supposedly strictly-enforced 6AM closing time was being cheerfully ignored.

7. 'Wolverine' is in. The "Luciano: The Early Years"-style porno 'tache has given way to grossly oversized burners that pay homage, intentional or not, to Hugh Jackman's X-Man character. Guys... just because you can grow a bizarre thicket on your cheeks doesn't mean you should.

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Dear sweet loving lord... is Richie Hawtin for real?

The erstwhile Detroit club kid turned minimal ubermensch seems to have been overdosing on Smallville: Superman The Early Years and Columbian exports (er, coffee?)

Or he's a satirist to put Jonathan Swift to shame.

There is simply no other explanation for Contakt. Gussied up in Jedi-like robes and sporting a ridiculous beard Richie and co. pose around a lightbox full of holes. An idiotically pretentious (and, I hope, tongue-in-cheek) intro refers to "an unknown cubical object" and a "clandestine excavation site," concluding, "its origins remain unclear but it seems certain to have been created by an intelligence far greater than our own" -- which is more than can be said for this dopey promotional gambit.

Click into the site and you're treated to weird babble like "As guardian of The Cube Richie Hawtin has released the following statement: '...The Cube is a highly advanced communications device that responds positively to the presence of humans and interacts accordingly.'"

A knowing jest or is Hawtin finally disappearing up his own backside? God only knows...

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Watching a really good club promoter at work is great fun. And I've been lucky enough to have a front row seat as Storm Ibiza has gently manoeuvred trans-Atlantic hip hop outfit Sophisticated Funk into bed with Spanish gay superclub SuperMartXe.

The pair is taking over Manumission's old Friday night slot at Privilege, injecting fresh life and glamour into the World's Biggest Club (TM). No one thought the mix of hip hop and full-on SuperMartXe style sex would world except... promoters.

It was Storm's Helen & Nikki and SuperMartXe's Oscar who cooked up the partnership, charming and cajoling everyone else to march to their beat. Now, with opening just days away (Friday, 27 June) they've turned completely nocturnal, working nightly into the wee hours (currently, they're the only people in Ibiza getting paler as summer progresses).

Personally, I can't wait to see how opening night unfolds. But I suspect it won't be half as much fun as the "behind the scenes."

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I can't quite believe it but my favourite club in the world (by a considerable margin) won't open today. DC10, shut down by the Spanish authorities, has started its 57 day closure order, leaving a gaping gray void in formerly colourful Monday afternoons.

It seems silly to get sentimental over a club but it's hard not to when the crazy little white hut, crouched at the end of a runway, holds so many happy memories. Thankfully my best mate and I (above) rocked the arse off the opening party, walking out saying "that was the best day ever." Circoloco at DC10 is the last place in Ibiza where a party still feels like a party and where silliness and sublime music make hours flash past.

Personally, I'm gutted to see it shut and I live here. If I were coming on holiday especially to go to DC10 (as I did for years) I would be furious. Friends of the club have started an online petition to have it re-opened, which you can sign here.

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Troubled genius Jay Haze has just released a double-CD concept album called Love & Beyond. And it is considerably better than the phrase "concept album" would lead you to believe.

Veering away from his usual tight-as-a-drum minimal techno it has everything from dirty rap to funk to chilled electronica. Better still, he's offering it as a free download on his website. Well worth a listen!

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Together spent two hectic years at Turnmills becoming one of London's wackiest, most colourful parties. Now it's preparing to unwrap a whole new Pandora's box of mischief at the Scala in King's Cross. The theme may be slightly redundant (Animal Rave? Isn't the whole point of partying to get out there and engage your baser instincts?) but will undoubtedly provide plenty of visual entertainment. And the music isn't half bad either... with Ed Banger boys Busy P and DJ Mehdi in the main room, plus favourites like Justin Robertson and the Streetlife DJs. And oh, lots more. Line-up and other useful titbits below. Tickets here.

Together Presents... “The Animal Rave”

** SCALA LAUNCH PARTY **

Saturday 28th June 2008

Main Room: Dragon’s Den

Busy P (Ed Banger)

DJ Mehdi (Ed Banger)

Dusty Kid (live)

Justin Robertson

Anil Chawla

Upstairs: The Birdcage

Streetlife DJs present... Streetlife Sessions

Surkin (Institubes)

Yuksek (Kitsune)

Streetlife DJs

Uniondjs

Downstairs: The Viper Room

Hosted by dollop

Boy 8-Bit

D'Lex / Me Me Me / Genki / dollop djs

Plus...

Free Haircuts!! Free Face Painting!! Free Animal Masks to 1st 200 people through door!! Look out for the ‘Noah’s Ark Procession’ on the dancefloor!!

Fancy Dress Code:  Zoo favourites, Sealife Creatures, Household Pets, Safari Wildlife, Mammals,

Lizards, Birds, Bugs, Rodents, Dinosaurs and Pat Butcher lookalikes!!

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It's not really my thing, admittedly (apart from that old Oxide & Neutrino "would everybody stop getting shot?" tune) but UK garage is still going strong. And anything you need to know about its best artists (Harvey, Javine, the aforementioned O&N) you can find at Kdot Online. Everybody say booo...

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Death Before Distemper is at Corsica Studios on 21st June with groovy, cosmic, freaky, dark disco - live - from The Emperor Machine. Plus lots more. 

DC Recordings Presents Death Before Distemper featuring:
The Emperor Machine Live (First ever live performance)
Padded Cell Live feat. Dennis Young (Liquid Liquid)
Kelpe Live feat. Chris Walmsley
The Oscillation Live with Visuals From Julian Hand

DJs:
Depth Charge, Richard Sen, Clause Four, Muscleheads, Marshmellow Mike, Stuart Souter
21st June 2008
Corsica Studios
Unit 5 Elephant Road
Elephant & Castle, London, 9pm-5am
Advance tickets from http://www.wegottickets.com/event/29790

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If you're a bit of a We Love... fan and can't make it to Ibiza for today's opening fiesta at Space check out their We Love podcast for music, vox pops and DJ interviews, etc

http://www.welove-music.com/welove-podcasts.cfm

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Amazing new compilation on its way from the godlikeLuciano. The Fabric bods have roped the Swiss-Chilean wunderkind into their excellent, long-running series and he smashes it. Forget minimal techno, Luciano is way beyond boundaries here, mixing lubricious sunshine house with futuristic machine music. Out 14 July. Whoo!

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I have always had a total fascination with Burning Man. The hardcore festival held every year in the Nevada desert is dedicated to "radical self-expression and self-reliance" and seems to involve a lot of serious hippies/freakpower types sitting around in the baking sun off their head on mind altering drugs. Which frankly can only be a good thing: America needs all the radicalism it can get.

The whole event is pretty DIY so Cargo is hosting a fundraiser (fronted by fans and Burning Man vets Ali B, Dylan Rhymes and Coburn) to help pay for the production of the centrepiece Opulent Stage. Well worth checking whether or not you're planning a desert wig-out this August.

Saturday 28th June @ Cargo

Dylan Rhymes, Ali B, Coburn, Icon + Very Special Guest
More artists tba

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Just a little taster of the DC10 opening party mischief. More to follow after Cream @ Amnesia tomorrow night...

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Until then, here's a lovely

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There aren't many clubs I still get butterflies walking into. DC10 is one. Despite the radical change in opening hours (today: 12noon instead of 6AM) the exterior is empty, just my gorgeous friend Steve keeping an eye on the door from behind mirrored black aviators. On a completely superficial level one of the perks of DC10 is its uniformly sexy staff. I make a beeline for the terrace bar where -- hallelujah -- my biggest crush of last season is installed behind the bar. He's worked there for ages and is so beautiful he literally leaves me speechless. I can barely manage to order a drink, much less make small talk, so I resort to the embarrassingly school-girl-ish ploy of hanging around the back of the room trying to not stare too openly.

"Do you want me wipe up some of that drool?" Guy teases. I decide to head for the sunshine and a renewed grip on my dignity. Not even ridiculously hot barmen can distract from the real point of DC10 today: the music. After a long run of being synonymous with "minimal" techno there is a new beat pumping through the fatted soundsystem: house. Deep, techy, intricate, underground, electronic, even prog-tinged; tune after tune that makes my friends and I look at each other in pool-eyed admiration.

Dan Ghenacia plays a thrilling set in the main room, despite looking notably worse for wear (Freak n' Chic pal Anthony Collins shows his appreciation by dancing in front of the booth in a zebra mask for the whole set). Then it's nip out to the terrace (which has filled as swiftly and implacably as a blocked sink) where Mathias Tanzmann plays a jaw-droppingly awesome tech set (his recent LP Restless is essenti